i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
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