so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
