at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Randomize
