I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
