I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
