the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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