she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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