I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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