so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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