Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
