apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
