is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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