I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
