new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
