I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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