if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Randomize
