Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
