I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
