I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
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