you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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