I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
can u get pink eye on your cock?
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Randomize
