I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
