between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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