I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
