I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
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