You're my little dorito
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
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