What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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