I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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