I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
