You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
a search helicopter?!
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
