so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
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