if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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