Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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