Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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