You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
