He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
