We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
