Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
