Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
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