God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
