People with herpes should wear stickers.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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