Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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