how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize