I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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