We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Randomize
