If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Randomize
