She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
and i looked up. we had an audience...
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Randomize
