Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
