I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Randomize
