I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
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