i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
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I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
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A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
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