im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
