I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
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