Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
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