She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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