her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
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